We were in my bedroom, in my rocking chair in the sunny patch in the corner and Cadence was pushing against my chest. The sun catches her eyes and they turn a brilliant, clear hazel as she leans over my arm, half recklessly, stretching with every fiber of her body to try to and reach the windowsill behind me as we rock.

The rocking chair creeks and squeaks, making it’s own song. Emily is playing outside and the laughs and squeals of the kids carry up to the bedroom. I can’t resist and tickle the wrinkled skin under Cadence’s arm. She giggles in delight and turns back to trying and capture the window sill. I continue to rock. In the year since Cadence has been born I learned that my natural rock is two seconds. One second up and another second back to the ground. Cadence’s hair is swooshing softly in the air as I rock back and forth. Her head is becoming heavy as she is slowly giving over to sleep.

The dog comes upstairs to climb into bed. Cadence jerks her head up and swivels around to inspect him. He gives her a quick glance, spins in a circle twice and settles into a pile on the bed. I whisper to Cadence that puppy is going night-night too. She makes a brief attempt to catch Eric’s night stand before throwing herself over my arm again, her head dangling downwards. Within a few minutes, her eye lids are dropping and then closing. She’s asleep.

I shift her onto my shoulder and carry her into her room. She makes unhappy noises when I settle her into crib, but for now, she’s asleep.

About a month after Grandma and Mom died, we met up at Grandma’s house in OH to help clean it out. I’m crafty and was into the idea of vintage linens. My aunt was pulling them out of drawers and tossing them onto the bed for me to go through so I could take what I would use. Wrapped up in a bunch of sheets and stuff (that I had decided just to toss and then decided to look through just in case) I found a tiny flannel baby nightgown and a little pair of knit baby booties. My heart stopped a little bit as I had almost put them into the toss pile and since no one else seemed interested, I put them in my pile and took them home.

Once I got it here, I tucked it into a drawer along with a collection of my grandma’s hankies (that I intend to pass out to my sister, my brother’s wife (when he gets that far) and my girls on their wedding days) and didn’t give it a whole lot more thought until today. I was rifling through my drawers looking for my favorite bra when I pulled out the little nightie. I took the time to inspect it. It was beautifully made. Really. By hand. I can tell. The collar was sewn on by neat little stitches and the hems all edged with beautiful decorative stitches. I don’t know who made it or whom it was made for, but someone loved and anticipated that baby so VERY much and then, my Grandma packed it away.

And it spoke to me today, so powerfully of the love my Grandma had for her children. She loved them enough to take that little nightgown and tuck it carefully away among her things for more than 60 years. Just out of love. Just to say I loved you. I cared for you. I waited for you. I remember you.

I think sometimes as generations distance us we stop being able to make that connection; that we are mothers like our mothers were mothers and their mothers were mothers. That we love like we were loved and they love like they were loved. There is a Disney song, I can’t even remember what movie. The Fox and the Hound? It says “life is brief, but when it’s gone, love goes on and on”. And it does. In a tiny flannel night gown made lovingly and carefully and saved the same way for more than half a century.

It is just so powerful to think about that. My Grandma was more than 90 years old when she died. It’s impossible for me to imagine her as anything other than the Grandmother she was to me. I can’t imagine her as a new mother with a tiny baby. I can’t imagine her making baby clothes for her babies to be like I did for mine. I can’t imagine her tucking away one special reminder as I do. But I know she did. I have evidence of that.

Before my Mom died, not long before, actually, my parents were cleaning out their bedroom. They decided to get rid of the old dresser and chest of drawers they had that were falling apart. They came across a collection of baby teeth, saved from my siblings and myself. My Dad wanted to toss them. My mom wouldn’t let them. “Those are my babies teeth!”, she said. She admitted she had no idea what she’d do with them, but she couldn’t throw them out. She didn’t expect any of us would actually WANT our teeth back, so somewhere they sit among my mom’s things, reminders that we were precious to her and loved. And in my drawer is a tiny plastic container, filled with tiny baby teeth and letters scrawled to the tooth fairy in Emily’s hand. Saved because she’s precious to me and loved.

where Cadence’s birthday post went. I’m sure you figured I’d log in and blog on C’s birthday and I intended to, but one thing that is true about being a mom of two is that time is not on my side.

Cadence came down with a fever on Saturday, had an ear infection diagnosed on Monday and ended up back at the doc. on her birthday because she was having a non-allergic reaction to her antibiotics. Not a great way to spend your birthday. Between how busy I was that day and preparing for Cadence’s party which took place on Saturday.

But, two days later, the house is still messy and I’m here.

Over the course of the last ten years I find that God gives you gifts and those gifts don’t always arrive when you expect them or want them to. Cadence was an answer to a prayer. My prayer. And though she didn’t come in MY time, she came in God’s time and I couldn’t have asked for more than what I was given.

The past year, as the mother of two, has been a struggle sometimes. I admit that. I still, every day, struggle to find balance; to make sure everyone here is getting as much as they need. It is hard. But I wouldn’t trade one second of this. This is my gift.

Cadence came when I needed her. In days that seemed dark, desperate and difficult, I would often find myself at home alone with my heart in my throat. And even though there were days when I wanted to climb into bed and just FORGET, I couldn’t. I had to move forward. My girls pulled me forward. There was no other choice but to keep up with them. There were times when it was autopilot and now, I’m back to normal, but Cadence with her smile and laugh kept me busy during the days when I was desperate to keep my mind on anything else.

I’ve often said that Cadence got the better Mom and I think she has. Version 2.0 has more patience and is less neurotic and I hope that it’s rubbing off on Version 1.0 that Emily gets stuck with more often than not.

Additionally, I’m proud of myself for being the parent I want to be, not the one I feel as though I’m expected to be. And it’s refreshing, I have to be honest. We do what feels right. I don’t worry about timelines. I don’t worry about being strict. I move us forward and except for sleeping we’ve been rewarded.

So, of course, happy birthday to my baby. And for all of us.

in honor of C-notes birthday.
10 Reasons Why Geeks Make Good Dads

My favorites?

#2-Zero Chance of Cheating on my Wife-
Let�s face it - that�s just way too much effort. I�m excited I fooled got one to marry me. I�d rather sit and watch �Real Genius� than go wooing in some bar. So, what exactly did they do with all that popcorn?

#5-Free Tivo
Buy a TiVo? Gasp - who would think of such a thing, when you can build your own with the wonderful MythTV. Now the kids can catch up on the latest �Scooby Doo�s� and �Myth Buster�s�.

You only get tonight. That’s all you get this year. You see, last year, this date turned into something different. It was the day before Cadence got here. The day before the tiny girl who lights up my life made her way into the world. So, you see, 9/11, you just don’t have the hold over me that you used to.

Oh, you’re still there a little bit. Lurking in the shadows. Reminding me of the panic and sorrow and anguish I felt, not just for days, but for months as UAL slide into a bad downward spiral and we began to hurt financially because of all that came down that day.

It doesn’t seem that long ago that we were huddled around our t.v. watching the towers fall and the plane crash in. It doesn’t seem that long ago when I walked out of work and realized that for the first and likely only time in my life, that no planes flew over me. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I would lay in bed and feel the icy grips of terror sliding over me as I heard a plane overhead. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that the plane went supersonic over our house to intercept an AA flight reporting trouble.

But, Emily was just a baby. Just barely older than Cadence is now. Six years have gone by. The bulk of Emily’s life. It’s hard to believe it wasn’t yesterday, but, well, it wasn’t.

And, closer to us than 9/11/01 is 9/11/06 as we made ready to welcome our second little girl. And, I think I’m going to focus on that. Sorry, 9/11, you don’t have me wrapped around your finger this year.