This came from my panic support group today…

Those seeds that receive water and nourishment are the seeds that will grow. What seeds in your life are you watering right now?

– Ralph Marston

I can easily identify what seeds I’ve been growing lately. certainly no beautiful flowers, but life choking weeds. Not even Dandilions (good weeds in our house. Emily thinks they’re beautiful) or clover (soft and fragrant) but thistles and thorns and ragweed. Bad stuff.

what will I choose to grow today? I think I will get dressed and Emily and I will go out. We’ll stop at Michael’s because we both love that place and get something to eat for lunch. I’m going to come home and do some laundry and tidy up the downstairs.

today, I am going to grow the seeds of accomplishment. Today I’m going to do the thtings I want to do. I might feel panicky, bu that’s okay. I’m going to press on so I can nuture the seeds of accomplishment today.

But first…

Dear Spammers,

I want to make something perfectly clear. I pay for this website. This isn’t some free website. I pay for it all. The bandwidth, the maintenance. Everything. Monetarily and through forced slave labor. I don’t have adverisments here because I don’t like them. You won’t be permitted to come here and use something *I* pay for, in full, for your own selfish gain.

Your comments will always be delted and your access to my blog always banned.

Sincerely,

Me

And now, onto the Social Anxiety thing.

I’m not diagnosed, but it’s there, mostly due to my severe distrust of myself and the fact that I worry that people won’t find me likeable. I’m nearly 30 ears old and still worry, to an unhealthy degree, what people think about me.

While we lived in Michigan, our normal hermitty status was magnified by Eric working at home and we stopped finding reasons to leave the house or really do everything. Our peer group shrank and dwindled and we literally saw no one but each other of family occassionally.

This has become detremental to all of us. It has created, IMO, an at times unhealthy dependancy on Eric, for me and the fact that I think human beings are social creatures, not being social has affected our moods and outlook.

So, one of our goals when we moved back to IL was to be more social. We have a larger peer group here (aka more friends) and need to make more of an effort ot see those people. We also need to look at making MORE friends so expand our peer group so I can stop being so damn dependant on Eric for literally everything I do.

I’ve been reading at the Lake County Knitter’s meet up board for a while now and on Feb 16th, they’re having a meeting somewhere I feel safe driving. I am actually excited about the prospect of going. Of meeting new people and, possibley, of making new friends.

I also realized that I tend to sabotauge my relationships with people. I don’t know why, but that is going to end now too. It has to.

Sitting in our great big bedroom, watching a movie. Just like old times. We still have some unpacking to do. We got a lot of help yesterday and today and we’re functioning at nearly normal right now. Still some work today to ge us entirely back on our feet, but hopefully before we head back to MI this weekend.

It feels odd to be back here. Surreal. Lots of things are the same. Some things are different. Some things will stay different and some things will change. We forgot the paperwork that included Emily’s birh certificate in Michigan, so registering for school will have to wait until Tuesday, when we run to the county to get a new copy. She’s excited to go back. Her room is all set up and arranged and minus the fact that we need to purge about two moving boxes full of stuff to be able to successfully contain it in the storage she has, it looks nice. I’m thinking I’ll get to the curtain making this week and she’ll be on her way to her princess room by end of he week.

No, we’re not done packing. Why would we be. We have THREE more sleeps, you know.
Emily’s last day of school is tomorrow. It’s hard to gauge how she feels about it. I think as we all do, happy about some things, sad about other things. A conflicted move, to say the least.

But, the kitchen is nearly packed and the rest of the house will follow suit shortly and by Saturday morning, we’ll be ready to go come hell or high water. We have some friends coming by to help us out and hopefully some more help waiting in Lakemoor. I think if we’re motivated a good portion of the house will be unpacked by Monday morning and we’ll settle in again, something we’ve been missing for the last couple months.

in some ways, I think we’re making good progress in other ways it feels like we have a lot more to do. Eric is giong to be in IL on Tuesday (leaving on Monday evening) and he’s taking the cats with him to cut down on the amount of living thigns we have to transport next weekend. Hopefully, he’ll only be in IL a couple days this week (maybe on Tuesday) so we can have lots of time to get finished up.

We’ll have enough help to get things onto the truck on Saturday morning and hopefully more help waiting for us in Lakemoor.

I’m looking forward to arranging my furniture and painting. Cleaning up the things we don’t love and turning them into things we do. I am looking forward to being home.

There are so many things we’ll miss about Michigan–the presence of my parents. The help they have been so willing to dole out as we deal with all of things that make up our life. The nearly built in dog sitter. THe visits and holidays. The fact that on occassion, people have just dropped by to visit. No one ever does that with us. The easy trips up north. The walks at the mill. The fireplace. The routines and places.

But honestly, with everything happening right now, it feels right to close the chapter. To make that fresh start. Not just because of the New Year. Because of everything. It’s time.

I realized, over the course of the nearly two years we spent here, that I missed having a home. I miss living someplace I care about (not that I don’t care about the locale, but I just don’t care about the places we’ve lived). I missed dreaming about what we would or could to to our own four walls or little patch of grass. I’ve missed having a garden and a place to sit outside while Emily played (without being under constant supervision by the neighbors). I miss the routine I had that’s been absent for better than a year. I miss having pride in my home.

This time is bittersweet for us. Most times of change are. We feel bad about what we leave and happy about what we gain and hope for the best.

I’m sick.

It sucks.

My nose is stuffy and my throat is sore and now I’m getting an annoying, chronic cough. Dry, not productive. The kind that will make my back and ribs hurt if it heads on too long. Eric is slowly feeling better and Emily NEVER CAUGHT IT (thank goodness, but how the hell did WE get it?)

In addition, the sore throat is giving me insomnia. Tonight is a bad night to not be sleepy becuase I really want to be sleeping well in a few hours when Eric departs for IL for the week.

11 days until we move. Nearly 10. Ten in seven minutes. And then nine. Single digits. And then just a day until Eric is home when the days number seven.

I did something today I haven’t done in months. I made a list. I planned my day. I haven’t done this since the panic took over and I started running from task to task, not accomplishing anything in an attempt to flee my panic.

I’m feeling better now, though. Strong. Balanced. Able. I’ve been able to look at the panic and say, “I know you. F*ck off. I don’t have TIME for your sh*t.”

Well, that’s not really how it goes. Basically what I say is “I know this feeling and I choose not to have it. ” I change how I breathe (I’m convinced that 90% of my problem stems from hyperventilation) and change my focus. It’s working for now. Every day I have success is another step forward.

I’m nervous, with ERic leaving, that I won’t feel as strong or as able. But if it comes to that, I’m going to write affirmations and use the tools I have for now and try to make it work. I’m not going to make “if” statements like “If it doesn’t work ” or “if I panic” or “If whatever….”. I’m going to say, I can do it and deal with some bad feelings, because I’ve proven I can.

was a good one. Eric will be able to stay tomorrow buying us an extra day together. Just 12 days until we move. We did a lot of packing and purging this weekend. The kitchen is all packed save for the few must have items. We swept through the living room today and packed nearly 90% of it. We cleaned Emily’s room and packed several boxes and purged a lot of junk.

I’m going to miss my parents, but I’m so happy that in 12 days we don’t have to worry about Eric leaving so much and in 12 days we can be a full time, all the time family again, which has been nearly two months in the making.

Plus, we can back to cooking, which I’ve actually been missing. It’s been pre-packaged food and eating out. I miss the ebb and flow of our days.

On Friday night, I sorted through my scrap area. I got rid of a TON of stuff. I rak’ed some on 2peas, stuff too nice to really toss and reorganized a lot of stuff. I dumped about 75% of my eyelets. Tossed some stuff that’s not been blessing me (one of the things I’ve taken away from fly lady). I organized my paper by color. I’m desperate to sit and scrapbook right now.

I’m about to send another film order to www.scrapbookpictures.com. Their film service is GREAT. For $3/roll they develop your pictures and send them back nicely packaged and indexed. Not to mention that you only have to print the pictures that actually turn out. I know, for some, shooting film seems expensive. And it is, but with the quality of my camera and the results I get, it works out in the end.

Prior to taking my own pictures, we’d hit Sears a minimum of twice a year for a minimum of a $100 per trip. $200 is a lot of film processing. And that’s at a minimum. This past year I took formal portraits of Emily three times and the family once (including shots of Eric and I together, Eric with Em, me with Em) which would have probably been $400 at least from a place like sears, with the quality really being less (I love Sears pictures, but they’re rushed and that usually shows). So, again, that;s a lot of rolls of film.

In other news, I have had one panic attack this week. :o) I don’t want to jink myself by talking about it, but I’m stoked.

…camping out. Everyone in the master bedroom. Emily’s watching Elf on a little t.v. in the corner and Eric is trying to get the INternet to work on the other laptop. It’s so surreal to be here, but in a good way. Since I’m trying to spend less time being guilty and more time being accepting of the good stuff that comes my way, I can say that it feels good to be here. Comfortable. Safe. Normal.

It doesn’t smell like us and the paint color is wrong. We have nasty curtain rods and shit hung all over the place. The deck is massive and full of crap too, but it’s OUR house and in te matter of a few months, it will feel like us and smell like us and be us again.

One thing about me that is true is that I long to put my roots down. I long for home. I love the experiences and the feelings and the memories. We have so many happy memories in this house. Of holidays and gatherins. Of family and friends. Of quiet times and noisey times. Of good times.

I think we need to be someplace where the vibe feels good right now. Someplace where a happier history will prevail over the iffy right nows. Someplace where we can settle into our memories and feel comforted. Someplace where we’ve never lost a baby or my Mom was never sick or I was never panicky or Eric was never distraught from the year of rough business. Someplace those things have never happened.

My Mom said she likes to go up north, because, the cancer isn’ up north. Sure, she’s still stick, but that stigma, that feeling, that gloom isn’t there. I feel the same about being home. The bad stuff isn’t here.

Maybe I’ll knit through it in 2006. Maybe not though. Here’s what projects are planned

1) Finish falling leaves sock (one done)
2) Knit cream patons socks
3) Knit winter stripe patons socks
4) Use leftover worsted wool for felted cat bed
5) Knit beautiful into chemo caps for donation (Mom doesn’t need any! Her hair stayed!)
6) Knit two dishclothes out of the sugar and cream

Find something to do with all of the various acrylic dk I bougt before I knew any better..

Maybe something like this or even this although with two large skeins of red and white I’d have o make a helluva lot of candy canes!

I am now two years behind in my Christmas album, family album and Emily album. I’m trying no to care much about that, but it’s hard. We have to spend maybe 4 hours in the house in Lakemoor tomorrow, waiting for the cable guy, so I’m bringing along my supplies in hopes of making a few pages to pass the time.

The good:

1. Mom’s tumor has shrunk another 40%. :o) She has another PET scan coming to see if the witch is dead and to make supre duper sure that nothing else is growing. Yay MOM!
2. OUr house is our house again and we rolled around on the carpet like the dog
3. I have a FO for 2006 . Knitted, of course. ;o)

The Bad:

1. The Wicked Witch of the West stiffed us for the $1600 she owes us, thus far. If contact isn’t made this week, we’ll be suing her for a helluva lot more than $1600. I was hoping that 12/31 would mean she’d hop on her broomstick and depart and we’d be done with her, but not so
2. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. :o(

The Ugly

1. Have you seen the bank balance?!??! Oy. Annyone else?