In two days, you shall be no more. I for one, will not personally be sorry to see you depart. I’m looking forward to little baby new year, dpey hat and all.

Frankly, 2005, you’ve been sort of a bitch. In retrospect, this has been the toughest year we’ve passed in our history. Shall we recap?

1) Mom’s tumor reoccurs in Jan. prompting another surgery
2) Our paycheck bounces in Febuary starting a year’s worth of money and pay woes
3) Our tenant defaults on our agreement on the house in Lakemoor and goes 30 days late on the mortgage causing us to claim the house back and become landlords, something we never wanted to do
4) Find out we’re pregnant on St. Patty’s day, only to lose the baby in emergency surgery weeks later that took part of my reproductive system as well
5) Mom’s tumor comes back again–more chemo, new doctors, more worries
6)Eric has to look for a job
7) Emily breaks her arm Eric takes a job in Illinois and is gone the bulk of the week
9) I decide I’ve been bored and end up with anxiety disorder and probably a host of other things
10) Christmas came and went, but my spirit never arrived

So, 2005, as you can see, those tings, personally, coupled with hurricanes, wars and rising gas prices makes me more than happy to bid you adieu.

Oh yeah, and we had to cancel our Disney trip too.

That’s number 11.

So, please, hurry off. Normally I mourn the passing of the years. It means my baby grows up and my parents grow older and times slips further through my fingers, but this year, slip away, man, I’ve had enough of you. So take the bad ju-ju or whatever the heck else you rained down on our heads and go head to where you go.

To 2006: We look forward to you with hope for healing and health and friends and family.

Happy New Year to all.

Maybe we clean, maybe we don’t. We don’t mind a little clutter on the floors or counters. We eat leftovers. We play with our gifts. We snuggle in together. It’s peaceful and quiet and wonderful.

Dinner yesterday went well. I think I cooked for nearly four hours though. I told Eric next year, I think we’re going to order from the Honeybaked Ham store. Eric loves cooking a big feast and it was good and the whole family loved it, but it’s a lot of work.

A LOT of work.

But I did get to have green bean casserole for breakfasts, so maybe it’s all worth it?

I’m going to be spending some time examining my motiives in regards to Christmas. Something my therapist said last week was that I do a lot of stuff to get approval.

And she’s right.

I could sit here in the living room and probably list off 10 things I did, not because I loved it, but because I wanted the kudos/accolades/recognition for it. Emily’s halloween costume is one.

She wanted a poodle skirt. A simple to sew poodle skirt. I could have BOUGHT a nice poodle skirt. BUT, that wasn’t fancy enough/big enough/impressive enouh so she got a custom made princess dress (that I talked her into) with fur lined collars and beads on the neckline and I hated sewing it, but felt smug becausee MY litle girl had a custom halloween costume and doesn’t that make a good mother?

That’s just one example, but it’s a good one. So, I will be taking stock, again, of Christmas. Of what I love to do vs what I’m doing to get my June Cleaver/Donna Reed mother of the year award and those things, I’m not going to do anymore.

I’m not making crafty gifts for friends anymore. Sorry friends. I ordered from Harry and David this year. I spent 30 minutes on-line sending everyyone gifts that they liked instead of the house I spent last year altering a score of paint cans filled with–you guessed it–homemade goodies (candles, cocoa, ornaments).

I may or may not make my Christmas cards.

Just lots to consider.

ANd it’s finally time for Christmas. I have a few more gifts to wrap and some cleaning to do. And lots of cooking.

And lots of cooking.

Did I mention the cooking?

TOmorrow Emily and I will make sugar cookies
And I will make pies
And I will make muffins.
And I will make two breakfast casseroles (one for Christmas morning and one for boxing day).
And I will make apple cobbler

On Christmas day I will make a standing rib roast and potatoes au gratin and broccoli casserole and cranberry sauce and crescent rolls.

And I hope I find time to have fun.

That’s what we’re counting right now. Emily asks every day. Several tmes a day. How many days unitl Santa comes and we count by sleeps. I hope sh’s ejoying the season. I feel like we haven’t had the normal build up to the season at all.

But enough of that.

I finished my shopping tonight, though I may pick up something smallish for my brother still. Eric’s going out shopping with his aunt tomorrow and I’m heading over to the MIL’s to make some more Christmas cookies. I think just snickerdoodles and sometting else simple. We’ll defrost the chocolate chip and snowballs when we get home and Emily and I will make sugar cookies Friday.

So much to do has finally come down to these few things. I’m hoping once we get home and get our gifts under the tree I’ll get that happy feeling my chest and all will be right with the world for a few minutes.

Emily is watching a Santa Movie on the Disney Channel. I’s nearly her bedtime. I’ll let her finish the movie. It’s a speical tiime of year, full of little treats and extras–staying up late is one of them.

For Christmas, I’m going to therapy. Almost literally. My second appt. with Dr. Jackson is 12/23 and I meet with the Psychiatrist(sp) on 12/30 to put me on new meds. I’m hopeful as it’s no taking two ativan a day to keep my attacks under control.

We leave tomorrow to spend a few days in IL–to try and ease my attacks (though I’m doubtful and worried about having them away from home) and Eric’s guilt. At least one of us will feel better, right? ;o)

So, here’s the HP scarf, modeled by the loverly Emily

Ihaven’t been knitting much and will actually be removing myself from th Knit blog web ring after the new year (when I work on a new site design, of course). I feel guilty, throwing little knitting tidbits in, when my heart isn’t in it right now. I know my heart will come back to it, but it seems wrong to be in the ring when I’m really not there mentally. When I get back to it, I’ll rejoin.

This is our first packed box. That total is now up to nine.

Since my appointment on Thursday, I’ve been reading affirmations. About giving up guilt and stress ad the condition that makes me panic and feeling worthy of the good stuff life is giving to me.

And I thought a lot about how this move and this change is probably contributint to my panic.

In trhuth, I’m very sorry to leave my Mom. Very sorry indeed, but I really feel, with every bit of my soul, that this move is what’s best for Eric and Emily and I. Since I believe that, I have to let it go. I know i”ll come home. I know i’ll be here to help. I KNOW it.

And, I’m looking forward to my little white house with it’s bright windows and short walk to the playground. I’m looking forward to the red winged blackbirds and the little crocuses I planted in the front yard. I am. I’m looking forward to sitting on the patio and knitting or reading while Emily plays.

My affirmations says I should give away the guilt and realize I’m worthy of the good stuff. So, there it is.

Panic that is.

I fully understand that writing this may, indeed, through me into another panic attack, but I feel it’s necessary to get people to understand what’s going on and why I just can’t “calm” down.

It starts with a worry. Just a little worry. It might be about my health. Maybe my sinuses are making me feel a little lightheaded and detached right then. Maybe I became concious of my breathing (which I hate and just typing it makes it happen). It plants a little seed of worry in the back of my head.

Just a little one.

Maybe the average person would acknowledge it and move on, but I keep going back to it. LIke a scab you shouldn’t pick or a grain of sand irritating an oyster or a pea under the mattress.

If I can distract myself, the irritant shrinks, but if I can’t it stays there. Maybe it doesn’t grow, but it nags at me.

What if something bad happens to me. What if I have stroke right now? Or a heart attack? What would happen? Eric’s gone. Emily’s at school. No one would know. My mom doesn’t expect to hear from me until tomorrow. There will be no one to get Emily off the bus and she’ll be scared and alone. Eric is too far away to help me. What if they come in and find me dead?

SO, now, I’m worrying about that distatched feeling my sinuses seem to send out to me 300 days a year. Maybe I have a blood clot. Maybe it’s not sinus pressure.

Now I’m worried. REALLY worried. My heart starts to pound. MY head starts to swim. Maybe my chest hurts or my face starts to tingle. It’s all documented symptoms of a panic attack. You can google it. I know it. But it’s there.

My heart is racing. I’m hyperventilating. I’m worried. What happens if I drop dead now. I’m convinced it’s going to happen.

And then the adrenalin kicks in. I start to shake. I feel lightheaded. My heart beats harder and faster. My breathing speeds up. My limbs tingle or go numb. I might perceive problems with my sight. I feel faint or as if I could faint. I stagger a little on my feet because i’m dizzy from over oxigination.

My problem isn’t identifying that this is happening to me. My problem begins when I can’t erradicate that little pebble of worry from the back of my head. In fact, I’ve had one plauging me all day. It’s trying to settle in. I keep trying to move it. Change my focus. Find an activity. Move my attention elsewhere, but it’s there. Nagging. Quietly.

Today, Emily got off the bus and her bus driver told me that she needed to be talked to. She was sad. Someone had said something on the bus to upset her. I bundled her into the car, concerned.

She said she was fine,b ut a schoolmate had told her a girl in her class had been in a car accident. I reassured Emily that the little girl was probably fine. No big deal. We discussed how we weren’t worried about if the car was hurt or not, all that matterd was the people in side.

I sat down at the computer while EMily unloaded her back pack. SHe handed me an offical note from the school.

THe little classmate was killed yesterday in a car accident. just a mile from our house.

:o(

I burst into tears.

I am blessed to be able to help out in Em’s classroom most weeks and, of course, had talked to this little girl. She was sweet. She wore glasses. Emily remember that she liked to wear a pony tail holder with jingle bells on it.

Emily’s cried a little. I cried a lot. We talked about whether or not she’d have toys to play with in heaven, whether or not she can see us. That we should pray for God to keep her safe and help her family’s sadness.

It’s such a tragedy. So, so sad. It’s all over the news. The little car they were riding in so crushed that not even a car seat could have saved her.

Today in class the children were asking about where she was. A vibe, I guess, becuase not even the teacher mentioned it to me. Tomorrow they’ll return to class knowing that she won’t return with them. Ever. It’s so, so sad.

If you can, say a little prayer. For this little one. That her path into heaven was quick and easy. That her family heals. (two other siblings and an aunt were injured as well). That there are toys in heaven.

My Harry Potter scarf is finished. I’ll post pictures tomorrow.

See, the USB port on the front of my computer is broken.
And I can’t find the direct USB cord for my camera, so I’ve been using my cruzer.
THe problem with using the cruzer in the back USB port means I have to unplug the printer AND My keyboard to upload pictures.
Which isn’t that fun.
And since i don’t feel like crawling around on the floor right now, you’ll have to wait to see it until tomorrow.

I like the length, but it’s a bit wide for me. MY shoulders are narrow. But, I’ll wear it. You can bet that much.

I haven’t had much to add to my FO gallery for 2005. I don’t think I’ve been enough at peace to actually sit and knit. It sounds crazy, because I DO find knitting so relaxing and calming, but I just haven’t been able to find the time to sit down and make it happen.

And since I refuse to force my leisure pursuits, the knitting thing hasn’t been happening. I’m sad about that, but hopeful for 2006. I love to knit. This year has been a drain on me in so many ways–not just for my knitting.

It started out as a complaint post. Complaining about how MISERABLE my 2005 again, but Wednesday afternoon I had a moment of clarity and decided that I wasn’t going to complain.

Then it turned into a sappy post about family and our past and how so many things have come together to contribute to who and what we are today, but I couldn’t say what I wanted to say without sounding schmaltzy, so I abandoned that idea as well.

What I have to offer is

A sampling of my holiday decor.

All of that emotion morphed into this. A fluff post about my twinkle lights. But they do make me happy and peaceful.