All My Loose Ends

Stay tuned.....

..are probably waiting for an update.  For birthday pictures and school reports, but I've been languishing.  Something is in the air and I feel  cagey and restless as I puzzle out what exactly is in the air after all.

Is it Eric's job hunt and the knowledge that his ultimate wish is that we move locations?  Maybe.  But I've lived with that since 1999.  Is it Cadence's birthday or the start of another school year and feeling like third grade is a very big girl when second grade isn't?  Is it the change of the seasons or the worry about the dog or just the need to shake things up?

I'm never sure.

Do I suppress my nervous energy or do I run with it?  Do I stay up late and exhaust myself in a flurry or activity or go to bed, understanding that an early morning is coming no matter what else I choose to do?

The family is good.  Eric and I are great, but something is moving in the air.  Can you feel it too??

(and it's not the stupid election or the stupid economy before someone suggests that......)

She has hardly enough hair for it, but on a whim I decided to give Cadence two piggie tails today (usually she just has one, jaunty one on the side)

She is also wearing her Little Miss Trouble shirt, which suits her well. See?

Here she was saying cheese, it's blurry but still cute.
Aren't toddlers the absolute cutest??

Can you believe that I am a mama to a third grader?  Doesn't that seem so big??


It seems like time is screaming fast, particularly this summer and once again, we're back to back to school time. I look forward to school time every year. It feels like New Year's Eve to me, a chance to start everything fresh again. We pack up the kids back packs with new things and dress them in new clothes and send them out to start all over again.


And Emily, to her credit, is so excited to start school; to be with her friends again and to get back into the swing of things. I wonder if she, too, feels the potential of a fresh school year stretched out before her. This year, she's not the new kid anymore. There's nothing new for her to adjust to. Emily has attended five school since she started attending school at age 3. Yes, that works out to one a year. I can only hope when she walks through the double doors tomorrow that she'll feel confident, because she knows the ropes. There's no adjustment period for her this year.


Just stepping in and going with the flow. I can only imagine how she'll excel without having to puzzle out the system or her place inside of it.

So, the back pack is packed, the first outfit selected, Old Navy frustrated towards (hey, I ordered uniforms from that palce a week ago and NOTHING, which means if they don't show by Tuesday night (I have convinced Emily to wear her jumper and blouse) I'm off to the store to rebuy things I've already bought and paid for. Curse you Old Navy!!), the snacks and lunch things bought, the lunch box washed and ready. Best wishes for this year, babygirl. I hope it's fantastic. I know you'll do all you can to make it that way.

...but probably not really.

I got an e-mail today, from NKOTB.com extolling me to pre-order their new album "The Block" on I-Tunes.

Now, I'm not above pre-ordering things.  Don't get me wrong.  The last several Harry Potters showed up at my house the day they were released.  I definatley want to make sure I get what I want when I want it, but does it make sense to pre-order an album on ITunes?  I mean, is ITunes going to run out or something?  I feel doubtful about that at best.  If I don't pre-order will ITunes NOT sell me a download.

Doubtful.  Nice try, though.

Now, speaking of JK Rowling, the girls have been watching (well, Emily.  Cadence glances at it in passing) Labyrinth.  You know, that 80's movie with David Bowie?  I have to wonder now of JK Rowling was a fan as 1) a snowy white owl tracks Sara's progress (Hello? Hedwig?),2) Hoggle, the goblin, is. mistakenly called Hogwart and Hoghead.  Also, the big beast is called Ludo and Ludo Bagman appears in Goblet of Fire which also, oddly enough ,features a Labyrinth.

Not that I blame her from possibly borrowing.  It is a great movie. :O)

There isn't enough coffee in the world to wake me up this morning.....

I've been having a great time on Facebook lately.  It's been so much fun reconnecting with old friends, classmates, family and interacting with current friends.  That's part of the reason why I adore the Internet.  The miles between people are so few.  In a few minutes, I can upload new pictures of the girls that can be seen instantly by the family, friends and loved ones we have spread around the country.

And, you know, I'm not one of those people that forgets others easily.  If you spend time in my life, I think about you.  Maybe not often or all the time, but definitely every once in a while.  I wonder about how you're doing or what's going on in your life.  If the things I knew you wanted came to pass.  If you're happy or sad or what has changed about you.

About a week ago I sent a "friend" request to someone I had known casually from an Internet group before Emily was born.  We had never met, but for the time that we posted together, she came to know a lot of things about me and I knew a lot about her.   Today I had my "friend" request rejected.

She just doesn't have time.

And I'm wondering....again.....what sort of life we lead, in general, if we don't have time for one more contact, one more friend.  I wondered this years ago when, at a scrapbook crop with people whom I doubted I would be friends with (yet hoped to be friendly with) the group at large agreed that they just had too many obligations to make any more friends.

<cricket cricket cricket>

Who are these people who are too busy for friends?

After that night at the scrapbooking crop, I cut off contact with the people who just didn't have time to make more friends.  Why extend myself to them and why bother?  And, I feel the same way about my rejected "friend" request today.  Obviously this isn't the sort of person I want to have a relationship with, no sour grapes intended (particularly since the excuse of not having time to keep up with anyone else via a social networking site that updates everyone at once seems a little....fishy.  Or stupid.  I'm not sure which  And I'm not interested relationships with fishy people or stupid people either).

But it does, in my mind, post a larger question about the choices we make as a society and about where we put importance.  I'm not like Emily in that I believe that everyone can be bosom buddies and that a few hours spent in happy play equates to best friends.  I know as you enter adulthood that real friendships are hard won and few and far between, but the carte blanche rejection of general friendship across social classes (the person who rejected my "friendship" today would consider herself very urban and savvy and probably above the middle class suburban moms who admitted to it as well)   is perplexing to me.  Particularly when the excuse given is 'out of time".

I understand how hard it can be to manage families and obligations, work and fun.  I'm sitting right in the middle of it too, attempting to balance Emily's school time, her need for a social life, Cadence's play dates, Eric's work obligations, social outings and family obligations.  The only difference is, I'm not managing my own work obligations (which I probably make up for with Cadence's schedule), but there still seems to be time inside of my admittedly busy life to reach out when I can to those who reach towards me.   It doesn't make sense not to. What kind of people have we become (myself included of course, because I'm right up there with people who can't find "time" to return e-mails or make phone calls or, this year, send out Christmas cards) that we reject connections with other human beings?

Doesn't that seem....

......well......

....inhuman?

Isn't our emotional connections to each other, our highly structured, hierarchical relationships one of the things that sets us apart from Mighty Joe Young and his band of primates?

Honestly, it's not really about the Facebook thing.  My fondness for this person obviously wasn't returned and I don't want to be a pity add. ;o)  As I tell Emily multiple times a school year, we just can't all be friends with everyone and that much is true, but we can always make time to lend an ear, extend a hand and put ourselves out there into the greater universe and wait for the good that will come back.

Yesterday saw me finish up my first week on my new diet.  Eric and I want to try and have another baby soon and I decided that I needed to be in much better shape before we did that.  Now, I am one of the odd few who manages to lose weight during pregnancy (it's not dangerous.  I just kind of lose my appetite and eat less while burning baby growing calories).

Anyhow, I decided that I needed a solid eight week commitment before we could TTC (try to conceive) so I could make sure I was in a healthier place before I tried to grow a baby in my body.

After some deliberating, I decided that I was going to go on Weight Watchers and give it more than a 1 week try.  I signed up to go to meetings  and keep track of my points on-line, which is what I'm doing know.


How's things?

Well, I love the Weight Watchers program.  It's easy to manage and their site is great to use.  The problem with me and Weight Watchers really isn't weight watchers.

To pardon a cliche, it's, well, me.

The first few days, last week, were kind of difficult.  Some of my "staple" foods seem to contain large amounts of points.  For instance, those daily iced coffees from Starbucks?  4pts (when ordered non-fat, which I never did until this past week).  My favorite breakfast cereal with milk?  7pts.

So, I'm having to prioritize.  Do I want coffee?  Or more to eat?  What's the plan?

Dieting is hard for me, besides the obvious eating less reasons.  I get really compulsive.

Really REALLY compulsive.

So, managing food can get difficult.

But, I started out by menu planning and when I get up in the morning, I plug in what we intend to have for dinner which allows me to manage my day.  I'm working on eating slowly, chewing slowly, pausing in between bites, things that I don't normally do.  I'm a shoveler.

Last week I was using the Wii Fit to help make sure I was getting my activity, but that's more difficult the next couple of weeks with company.

In any case, my loss for last week was 5 lbs.  I feel great about that.  And, of course, keeping that idea on my mind motivates me to keep my progress heading forward.  Even when we go out.  Even when we have company.

I did the following meme.  I thought it would be interesting to do it again to see how things have changed.  You can view the original here

Not so sure about the reuse part.

I pick up Real Simple magazine whenever there's a new one, but I rarely read through them.  I made it through August's issue, though, and there are just a few things I want to save without needing to save the whole magazine, so.....enjoy, I guess (though this is mostly for me).

Sweetgrass Farm Lemon Verbena Farmhouse Furniture Wax.  $6 from www.sweetgrassonline.com
Bodycology Continuous Spray Lotion in Fresh Waters $9

Ham and Cheese Quesadillas
serves 4
4-10 inch flour tortillas
1 pound fresh mozzarella, thinly sliced
1/2 pound thin sliced deli ham
1 cantaloupe cut into wedges
>Heat Broiler.  On one half of each tortilla, layer the cheese and ham.  Fold the over half of each tortilla over and place on a broilerproof sheet pan
>Broil until cheese has melted and tortillas are brown, 2 to 3 minutes per side.  Cut into wedges and serve with fruit


Ravioli with sauteed zucchini
serves 4
1 lb cheese ravioli
2 tbsp olive oil
3 small zucchini, sliced into thin half moons
salt and pepper
2 cloves of thinly sliced garlic
1/2c grated Parmesan
>Cook Ravioli according to package directions.  Drain and return to pot
>Meanwhile, heat oil in large skillet over medium heat.  Add zucchini, salt and pepper and cook until tender (4 or 5 minutes).  Add garlic and cook for 2 minutes
>Add zucchini mix and 1/4c Parmesan to the ravioli and toss gently.  Garnish with remaining 1/4c of Parmesan.

Summer Pasta Bolognese
serves 4
12 ounces of fettuccine
2 tbsp olive oil
1lb ground turkey
salt and pepper
2 cloves chopped garlic
1.5 lbs beefsteak tomatoes
1/2 dry white whine
1 small zucchini, coarsely grated
3/4 fresh basil leaves
>Cook pasta
>heat oil in large skillet.  Add turkey and season with salt and pepper.  Cook for 3 minutes
>add garlic and cook for 1 minute.  Add tomatoes and wine and simmer, stirring occasionally,until turkey is cooked through and sauce has thickened, 4 to 5 minutes
>remove from heat and fold in zucchini and basil.  Serve over pasta

And now, off to the recycle bin.

Yeah, it's been a while. 

I've been struggling lately.  I have this abundance of creative energy and I feel like I'm not able to properly outlet it.    I fight with what I want to against what I have to do.  I've spent hours planning the girls fall outfits, plotting fabrics and patterns and when it comes time to execute, I feel blocked.  Like I can't.

Same with scrapbooking and knitting.  I seem like I'm swimming around with no real way to vent the creative buildup.  It's so frustrating.  I can't even come up with anything to blog about.

Personally, we seem to be at a crossroads and it's time to pick our path; trying to balance what we want  to do against what we should do.  We through out arbitrary time lines just to force our own hands.  And, I kind of hate that we end up doing that, because they're big decisions,but we've hit a wall in so far as making the decision, so throwing these time lines like a little kid bargaining with God (If I don't step on any cracks for a week, Bobby Smith will ask me out!).  If we can't make a decision by THIS time, then THIS is our obvious choice and we nod emphatically and wait to see what happens with baited breath.

I'm sounding vague and i don't mean to be.  I do know that we're likely to change our minds a dozen times before we pull the trigger on anything, so rest assured I'll fill you in when I can and know that we're all fine.  Nothing earth-shattering is happening, but as is obvious, making concrete plans about your future and making long term commitments can be difficult and confusing.  Particularly when they feel conflicted and you're hoping  for things that are totally opposite.  I've always had faith that we'll be where we need to be doing what we need to do, but sometimes it's hard to give up the idea that you just need to follow your path and hope for the best.

Summer is drawing to an end.  I know it's a month before school starts, but I feel like I've missed it.  I always hope to create for Emily the incredible carefree summers I used to have, but I can be so neurotic that I'm afraid that I'm not creating something carefree that I'm scheduling and running to the point where she's not feeling that freedom.

I remember waking up early on summer mornings.  I'd sleep at the foot of my bed becuase then I would lay right under the window.  It was always misty and dewy in the mornings (and my Neighbor who probably had the world's greatest imagination would tell ghost stories about a ghostly blue mist that wound it's way through our neighborhood and sometimes I'd stare out the window, hoping to catch her, but I never did) and the day smelled so fresh and clean and full of possibilities.  Today, on our way to run errands, we drove past a group of kids, pre-teens or early teens, sitting in a circle on the sidewalk.  There were a couple of boys and a couple of girls and I remembered so well those summers, of our co-ed groups with tiny, pointless drama filled semi-romances.  Sitting under the neighbor's deck, listening the bass on "wild thing" vibrating the awning under a friend's porch, the musty smell of my parent's old tent that you could pack four girls into for a sleep out, the tangy smell weeds gave off as you hiked through them and the mossy smell of the woods.

Those kids reminded me of us.  A co-ed group.  A few girls, a few boys.  Before sex and hormones and high school got the best of us.   I don't remember when we stopped hanging out as a group.  It was so subtle.  I went to high shcool, someone else made the cheerleading squad, someone went from being a pain the butt to bad news, someone else moved away, someone became too young as the distance from 9th grade to 6th grade became just too big to overlook.  We found friends we actually had things in common with besides our houses being in walking distance.

But there are songs and moments when I'm drawn back to them and I wonder if they ever think of me.