All My Loose Ends

I love fall

Not far from our house is a Michigan metro park called Wolcott Mill. W e were there last weekend. There is a lovely walking path that winds through the wods and around the mill stream. The colors there aregorgeous.

Today we're having a beautiful fall day, one of the thigns I love best about the Midwest, and decided to pack up the dog and head out to the mill to soak up fall sunshine.

Jack had the best time. See? He's even smiling

The colors are starting to fade here aleady. Last week must have been peek. There were still beautiful things to see though...

Of course I am remindedof my favorite Robert Frost poem "Nothing gold can stay."

So beautiful.

Insert witty title here...

I'm tired of making things up.

Emily wore her costume to school today. Of course, my ego was stroked when I showe dup and saw lots of kiddies (save one) in their store bought costumes. Even with my gripes about the fabric, Emily's costume was much better made that the others there...

Now, before you accuse me of being elitist, with a little girl who loves to play dressup I have two goals-longevity and cost. I want something economical so that Emily can have more dress up options and I want things that will last. A few years ago we bought a dress up trunk full of costumes from the Disney Store. Guess what?

They didn't last. The skirts were made out of cheapish tulle and the tops thin polyester. That trunk retailed for $100 for the three outfits.

They just didn't last. Emily's alice costume from last year cost me around 20. She can still wear it and it looks perfect. This costume cost a little more and will last nearly as long if not longer. So, I'm not being a snob, I swear. THe uber deluxe disney princess costumes (which are the only ones that look nice) retail for nearly $100 dollars, so I think I got a bargain.

I've been scrapbooking. See?

I swear that damn thing is straight

I'm happy to announce my 2005 family album is nearly caught up through Feb. Sadly, my 2004 album isn't finished yet.

Anyone else want to join me in scaling down how many gifts they buy their kids this year? I ask because I'm thinking of doing. Actually going forward with three gifts (what the magi brought baby jesus) under the tree. She'll get things in her stocking and a gift from Eric and I.

I'm so chicken shit about it though. I don't break the bank on the kid. I spend what I consider to be a reasonable amount, about $150 to $175 all said and done and I probably would stills pend that much, just buying bigger gifts instead of the usual little crap I buy to make sure the tree is stuffed. Last year Emily probably got one gift from us that she still plays with regularly--wait--two. Her bitty baby and the car seat we bought her. Otherwise, the dolls and little ponys and crap I bought so she'd have a lot to open really isn't played with much.

When I was a kid, though, there was a competion. How much did you get?

On the Internt, I've noticed a disturbing trend. People spending THOUSANDS of dollars on their children EVERY Christmas. I'm not talking about "Well, little Johnny is dying for a telescope and it costs a lot, but it's a once ina life time thing". I'm talking every year.

Every. Year.

And I'm thinking, it's the right thing to do to scale down. To buy Emily a few gifts that she loves instead of a bunch of crap so she can have a long list, but on the other hand, I don't want her to go to school and tick of her three things and feel like she got less.

So, if everyone just scales down, I'd feel a lot better. ;o)

So I finally

finished that God forsaken halloween costume last night. By the end, I was nearly in tears. I think I made a bad fabric choice with the dark pink and it made it damn near impossible to hem. Yes, the hem is ugly too.

And I Don't Care!

It's done and Emily loves it. I need to get a tiara for tomorrow, but other than that we're in good Halloween shape.

And it's time to start thinking about Christmas, don't you think?

Picked up some provo craft lunch boxes from Michael's yesterday. Of course, I didn't get the cute top open ones, but I have come up with some ideas for mine--which is good as I bought five or six. :embarassed:

The first one is in progress as a recipe holder. I'm thinking this one is for me, but I'll transcribe our favorite recipes into it and then coat it wih mod Podge and then seal it to make it kitchen mess safe. We'll see how that turns out. I stitched together the cards last night.

I do have to clean off my scrap desk again. I'm not making much progress on the house I think that we may do that this weekend. I have just about finished magic erasering the kitchen walls, which is on my list for sure. The worst of the wall meses are out there, so the rest of the wall messes should be pretty easy.

Good evening....

I finished sewing in that damn zipper. I did it by hand. It is the hands down ugliest zipper I have ever done. I won't even show it to you. Not even if fyou beg. I started pinning the hem on the costume as well, but ran out of steam. I MUST finish it shortly as we're busy Weds. and Thurs. is Emily's halloween party (plus I need a tiara by then too!).

I'm feeling ready to load away the sewing machine.. Maybe for a week or two. It's time to clean the house. Time to get ready in case THAT happens, but time to clean thins up. I started magic erasering the walls in the kithcen today and will hit the store for a scrub brush and some gloves so I can clean the baseboards and under cupboards.

I'll be purging again, just in case. Less to pack. Less to deal with.

In taking some inventory tonight, I realize we need to replace so much. I need new flatware. I'm tired of of the Correl dishes we have. My tupperware, or what passes for it, is mismatched and barely functional. I suppose that's another plus of Eric getting another, better paying job. We can afford to replace this stuff all at once and maybe even not move it.

Here is my confession...

Tonight, I dish.

The idea that we will be moving back to Illinois seems to becoming clearer and clearer as time passes. The only thing we’re missing is a when and how. I feel horribly guilty for just wanting this thing to come to an end as I feel, in my heart, that end will be back in Lakemoor, in Illinois, away from my mom and my dad and the sibs.

I feel guilty because I want it to resolve quickly. I want to be done with where we are right now.

Mom asks, “Are you actually looking for work in Michigan?”

Yes. Of course we are. But, we have two problems here. 1) needing a job making more money than we’d need in IL because of the house thing and 2) no one wants to talk to us here. Eric has called and called. Left e-mails. Sent resumes, done everything but sat on desks and refused to budge. The interest isn’t there and that makes it hard.

Really hard.

You can’t make someone like you. Don’t I wish you could?

I gotta tell you folks, I’m exhausted. I don’t have any other way to put it.

I’m tired of worrying about money.
I’m tired of Eric begging for his paycheck (or feeling like he had to)
I’m tired of feeling like we’re drowning with this business and no one is ever going to throw out the life ring.
I’m tired of having my hair fall out.
I’m tired of panic attacks.
I’m tired of my heart beating out of my chest nearly ever day, to the point that my chest muscles hurt from it.
I’m tired of being short and cranky with the boy and my girl from the stress.
I’m tired of the fact that the relaxed ease Eric and I have in our marriage is so rare that it sticks out like a store thumb when we finally find it.
I’m tired that Eric and Emily’s connection has suffered so deeply this year, that they fight like cats and dogs. Constantly.
I’m tired of being mad at my good friend for, mostly, a lack of grace.
I’m tired of being scattered, moody, weepy, short, irritated and sarcastic, all of which come with my stress level.

I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want them to feel like I’ve abandoned them or chosen a job or money or a house over them. I would never do that, which is where my guilt comes in. Eric has a second interview on Wednesday. He’s meeting with the president of the company. Presidents of companies don’t usually meet with engineers. It’s not done. Eric is confident. I want it to happen, but I feel guilty being hopeful.

I’m afraid of being selfish. I’m afraid wanting this end is selfishness. I know in my heart that the three of us can’t withstand another year like we’ve just had and probably not another six months. I can’t put it into words because it hurts too much. I can’t manage to say to my parents, I want to stay with you, but I want to be married to my sweetheart forever more than that. At different intervals this year, the d-word has crept into our consciousness, mine and Eric’s. Not as something we wanted, but as something we feared if we couldn’t fix us. We admit it, fearfully, to each other and get quiet. I cry. We don’t want it, but I think we both felt it creeping around our perimeter—like the Ghost of Christmas future warning Scrooge about what WOULD be if he didn’t stop being a cheep, greedy prick.

It comes down to so much more than a paycheck and a house and a location. It comes down to us. About each of us being the kind of spouse we want to be and Eric wanting to be the kind of father he wants to be and how hard that conflicts with me being the kind of daughter I want to be.

When I feel logical and in control, I realize that I am not going to be able to fix all of my problems. I feel selfish for choosing any over others. I feel like I can't win.

I know, once the initial sadness of the move (if it happens) passes, we'll be okay. we'll come visit. We'll fly. We'll take the train (very economical). We've talked to Eric's family about providing us with help so I could still come out when my family needs me and they've agreed to do all that they can.

It's just hard.

Can I do Something Else Now?

Probably not.

So, here's the purse. Isn't she cute? Yes, she's a little big, but I can toss my cute little digi. camera into her and we can go off for the day. It'll probably even hold lunch!

And, as you can see , lots of progress on the costume.

One problem, the freaking zipper. Awful experience. I have no idea why I couln't get it to work as I've done it before, but no dice. I had to improvise. I'm sure most people won't notice. I just have to hem boh the skirt and the under skirt tomorrow and I think I can offically be done sewing for a day or two. It puts my total to two nightgowns, 1 purse and a big ass halloween costume inside if a week, which ain't bad progress. Yay me.

You can't see the detail on the dress. It's actually much prettier than it's photographing. It's got (fun) fur lined cuffs and pretty little pearls around the neckline. I have some pearls left that I'm considering what to do with....maybe they'll fit around the waist??

fairly soon I will make an inventory of hte fabric/projects I have sitting around here. Just so I know what I have. I can count off at least a half a dozen projects without any effort at all. Blech.

In good news, my Mom got the results back from her scans on Monday. The tumor is shrinking and there are no new growths. :o) This means her treatment (aka chemo) is working!! I'm so happy about that. :o) Another prayer answered. It's good stuff.

Overwhelmed and Unpressed

Unpressed is Emiliese for unimpressed. That's the sort of day I'm having.

On Tueday I pinched a nerve in my back while stretching and yawning at the same time. So, my back hurts. I can get passed that.

Emily the fabulous is still feeling a little miserable from her arm. How miserable, I can't tell. She complains about pain, but it's hard for me to read. Tonight we had major trauma, again, trying to bathe her. We tried a garbage bag twice and it's not working out. The cast was wet, her fever on Friday has turned into her usually, soggy winter cough and she was upset this evening to the point of hyperventilating. :o(

She's now sleeping comfortably with little coughing in my spot. so I'm sleeping on the couch tonight--which I am also umpressed about.

Sewed a cute pruse last night. I would share a picture, but I'm not inclined to search out the digi and the cord and spend the time uploading it. You'll have to take my word that it's cute. The only downside is, it's a little larger than I'd tend to carry, so I may alter the pattern and downsize it some for my next one.

Also started work on Emily's halloween costume tonight. Am wondering if Dorothy would have REALLY been that hard. Any way, got the bodice put together and lined and started on the sleeves. Realized the sleeve as is won't fit over the cast. Thought about it and widened te sleeve. Sewed the sleeves on (difficult because I had to catch up both the bodice and the lining) and realized I put the friggin' big sleeve on he wrong side and have to rip both of them off and start over.

ARGH!

THe good news is, I know that if I just sew them on with a 5/8th allowence I shouldn't have a problem catching up my lining and my bodice so hopefully the next round won't be so frustrating.

I should get going on it though. Emily's Harvest Fest starts tomorrow at 7ish and she wants to wear her costume. I'm thinking I could make it, but I have to get out of avoidance mode.

Actually, once the bodice is done the last hard thing is the zipper. I hate putting in zippers.

And it figures even more...

On Sunday, Emily fell off of her bed and broke her forearm. We rushed her to the hopsital on Sunday evening, they put it in a sling, gave her painkillers and sent her home and we had it set and casted yesterday.

Emily is feeling miserable and not sleeping well. I am exhausted. Period.

Sunday night I was up until 3 a.m. with Emily and amanged to get some broken sleep between then and 9 a.m. when I leaped out of bed to call the doctor.

Last night we were up until 1:30 and I almost cried when she came in at 7:30.

She just passed out within the last 10 minutes. I pray she sleeps well tonight. SHe needs a good night sleep and so do I. I know she feels miserable, but I'm tired and losing my patience. She had the habit of getting on repeat mode and she repeats the same half dozen sentences. I love her, but I need a change, man. The Amazing Race is on right now and then I'm off to bed to hopefully sleep for more than 6 hours, if Emily lets me. I suspect that won't work. But thankfully we get an early night.

I finished both of Emily's nightgowns this week. The fairy princess nightie on Saturday and her yellow one today. I started work on the Halloween costume today in hopes of having it done by Friday. We'll see. I'm not sure how complicated it is and life is off kilter right now to say the very very least.

Doesn't it just figure?

Emily came home from shool yesterday complaining about not feeling well. She didn't have a fever, but was definatley out of sorts. Took a nap. Really fussy, etc. Last night, temp was up to 102. She complained about a sore throat. Gave her ibuprofin and put her to bed. She spent a restless night (which means we all did) and she and I didn't get out of bed until nearly 10 a.m. today.

At about noon, her temp. seemed to be going up and she was complaning of a stiff neck. Decided I wasn't taking a chance and called the doc. Got there at 2:45. They checked her over. Couldn't see a reasonf or her to have a temp. of 101. Decided she should give a urine sample JIC. We spent nearly 45 minute trying to get the poor kid to pee. Couldn't do it.

Came hom, got the sample. Ran (literally) back to the doctor to drop it off to the lab before they closed.

About 6ish this evening, kid is pouring sweat.

You guessed it. Fever seems to have broken and besides being a little drowsy is mostly hunky dory.

Now, if I hadn't taken her to the doc. she would be running 104 this evening and doing something horrible. You all realize that, don't you?

I've been scrapbooking. Wanna see? I picked up Scrapbooks, etc "Made in Minutes" magazine last night. I'm sure EVERYONE has it already, but I was just inspired when I opened it up. It's a whole magazine URGING you to scraplift.

Awesome.

First off, a lift of Lisa Russo from DW 2005

Next, my entry for the Becky Higgins Sketch Challenge for this week.

This is a lift of "Oh That Face" by Allison Landy from BHG

And lastly, a lift of "Fish" by Shelley Laming

You'll notice two patterns lately, I think.

1) Lots of white card stock (I'm in love with it)
2) Lots of linear layouts. Yes, I'm lifting, but truly these things are what are drawing my eye right now. I stop on these and they just work. I have a LO in progress right now that is another linear one. I love the look.

I have Underware Gnomes....

I think they were featured on a South Park episode. Little guys. Who take your drawers. They live at my house. I think they talk socks too, though that could be the sock Gnomes and we certainly don't want to offend any Gnome parties by attributing theft to the wrong group.

But, yes, my underwear seem to be disappearing. I'm very confused about this. I think I'm now down to four or five pairs, though right now I can only account for three (I hope the other two are in the whites load).

Eric has been after me, since I dropped down to about seven pairs, that I should just buy some freaking new underwear already. But, like a lot of women I know, I can think of better things to s pend money on. But, it appears I'm finally going to have to break down and stock up.

I actually considered wearing Eric's underwear today. He has a lot. But I've never worn boxer shorts under pants, so I skipped that. Plus, there probably is a limit to how much one should share with one's spouse. Something should be sacred and we've already used each other's toothbrushes (mostly on accident, but once on purpose in a pinch).

But in the end, I have to buy new, which is okay. It's time to add some clothes anyhow. Over the last few years, with all of our moves, I've purged a lot. I need a few, reasonable, fall/winter pieces. And the drawers. Don't forget them.

Memes!!

Marla posted this over at her blog and I thought it was funny.

Here's the gist:

Go to Google.
Type, "(Your name) needs".
Yes, in quotes, so it looks like this "Jamie needs". But with your name, not mine.

Post your top five favourites (Feel free to hijack my comments for this if you don't want to sully your own blog).

• . Jamie needs a bit of help to get up on the bed,
• The little child inside of Jamie needs to feel loved.
• Jamie needs to grow up an stop making all of thoes horrible faces
• Jamie Needs a Nap
• Jamie needs to be more consistent and be more attentive to details and hustle more.
• Maybe Jamie needs more P0RN in his life.. heh hehehehehehehehehe
• Jamie needs to get out more
• Jamie needs to be arrested for wearing Doctors lab coats.
• I think Jamie needs a good bopping (Jamie's husband agrees :o)

Thankfully there appears to be a soap character named Jamie so i'm getting lots of fun tidbits. :o)

Addtionally, this meme looks fun...

[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an I-Pod.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I love Disney movies.
[ ] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.-ha! Grim Grinning Ghosts is COOL!
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.- I don't LOVE her, but she has a good creative staff and they have really good ideas...
[x] I am in love with someone.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I've been out of this country.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see/have seen a therapist.
[ ] I love chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I play computer games/video games when I'm bored.
[x] Gotten lost in your city. (I get lost in my own house. I have a terrible sense of direction.)
[x] Saw a shooting star.
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.
[x] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a fight with the same sex.
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[x] Swore at your parents.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Broken a bone.
[x] Played spin the bottle.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] Bitten someone.
[x] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] Shoplifted.
[ ] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[x] Lied to a friend.
[x] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[x] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[x] Saw someone dying.
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[x] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.-does that mean there's something wrong with me??!
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing.
[x] Been ice skating.
[x] Met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] Been to a motorcross show.
[x] Gone/Going to college.
[ ] Done hard drugs.
[x] Taken painkillers.
[ ] Cheated on someone else.
[x] Were so bored you took this survey.
[ ] Have a tattoo.

Two months and two weeks!

WTF? Until Christmas. Where the hell have I BEEN?

From time to time I have nightmaresdreams about missing Christmas. In my dream, I realize on Christmas Eve or December 23 or even worse December 25, that I have forgotten alla bout Christmas. I have no tree. No presents. NO decorations. No food. No cookies. Nada. I then rush around like mad trying to use the stuff left over on picked over shelves to fill my list out. It's horrible. I swear to you I wake up ina cold sweat.

Usually, by this point in the juncture, I've started thinking about Christmas. Probably even listening to Christmas music. I'd have a list started. I probably would even have bought gifts.

This year? Nope. Not there mentally. I don't know when I will be. I hope I don't wait too long. Shouldn't I have started by now?

Scrapbooking Continues...

but that will be changing soon. I'm running out of big MO(mentum) right no. I must have done nearly 10 pages the last day along with about half a dozen cards. I have one layout in progress that I'd like to finish up because I feel semi-interested in finishing it. It feels good to get stuff into the albums again.

So, here's what I've figured out over the last couple of days

1) I shouldn't feel obligated to use every example layout that turns my head. I've been having so much trouble with my DW 2005 calendar. I'm still in May, for pete's sake and I figured out yesterday that my problem was, I'd find a layout that I liked okay. I like the idea of using as much of that calendar for scraplifting/inspiration as possible because it's chocked full of ideas. But, again, I'd hit a layout that I only kind of liked and then felt obligated to use it and it would turn me off. I'd return to my desk, stare at the calendar page and get up again, my scrapping time wasted as I tried to figure out how to translate what I was looking out into something that worked for me.

So, I'm done. I'm flipping through, I'm taking note and I'll probably go through the whole tine again for ideas before I get rid of it at the end of this year, but flipping until something really turns my head is making me happy

2) I dumped my embellishment box last night. Yikes! It makes a mess. But, I actually pitched some stuff, namely some shells, sea glass and large wooden beads I bought as part of ephemra kit in 2003. I'm never gonna use this stuff. NEVER. you know, if we were on the beach and I found some sea glass it would be worth the lump and bump, but just for a piece of unrelated crap? Nope. It's gone. I tossed it.

3) I also tossed the last vestige of my Inspire 2 line that was a part of my first scrabook kit. I love Ali Edwards. I think she's probably the most talented person in the scrapbooking industry. her vision and ability are amazing, but I hated that Inspire 2 line. I'm sorry, Ali, if you ever read this. ;o) Y ou rock. That paper didnt' seem you.

I felt so guilty about that kit. It ws my first one. Eric gave me the raised eyebrow when I told him I joined a scrapbooking kit club and then I got that kit and I hated it and I MADE myself use nearly every item. Just one tag remained, that I actually like for its size and shape, but I don't use tags. Never figured them out, so no need to keep that one as a template, so it's gone.

No pictures to share today. Too lazy to go scan.

Hey!

Hockey's back! We've watched parts of a couple games tonight. The Wings beat the Blues 5 to 1. Hooray!

In other news, I've been busy again today. I got my October Self-Addressed kit today. I was a little nervous in looking at the previews on the website. Not sure if it was going to by my style. At that black and white with the bright color accents, but....

as you can see....

I like it.....

Also, the design team, at self-addressed, featured This little gem and as soon as I saw it, I loaded Emily into the car, ran to Michael's and came up with this...

I love it! I love using text as decor.

Another shot of the tops of the blocks. I decorated five sides of the cubes....

I recognized that Halloween is coming soon and I should get sewing on Emily's costume. I'm just so into my paper right now. :o)

So.....

I've been having panic attacks.

How was your weekend.

Today is the first day in nearly a week that I haven't spent at least some time caught in the throngs of panic. I've worked very hard today to keep that under control, including sipping some very nice cherry wine. Yes, I know it's basically Kool-Aid with an alcohol content, but I like it fine and it replaces my usual Concord.

So, again, I've been trying to keep things quiet. Easy dinner. No chores. No yelling. No excitement. Tonight, I brought EMily into the bedroom to watch Double Dare and I got to scrapbooking. Three hours later, I had these...

This one is a part of a Becky Higgins sketch challange over on 2peas

This one is from my Designing With 2005 calendar. The inspiration? Desiree McClellan's "Gavin Always on the go" from March 24. .

I'm woefully behind in my scrapbooking. I have most of 2004 left to finish, including Christmas and our vacation and have hardly looked at 2005. I won't get into what it feels like to be this behind, but knitting and sewing may be taking a back seat to getting some layouts finished.

Lastly, the midnight sepia action for photoshop has been floating around photography boards for some time. I finally got around to downloading and using it and i have to say the effect is amazing.

I wonder how hard i'd have to beg for that D70...... ;o)