All My Loose Ends

Did you every have....

an Ugh day? Or two days? Or a week?

You know, days when you think that closing yourself in the closet is your best available option?

Yesterday was an Ugh day. Today was half. Thankfully this evening has been pleasant.

We have been dealing with a lot of drama on the site we own. We've found that it's usurping far too much of our time. In a bad way. It causes conflicts at home-in our time and personally and causes conflicts with each other (we become more combative because the site is and we argue). We decided to move in a different direction but last night we closed the site down while we regrouped and that wa ugh one.

Then Emily fussed the whole way back from my parents which was ugh 2(though we fixed that before bed).

Got up this morning. Wasted time on site. Ugh.

Took Emily to store-Fought about dollies, fought about cheese, fought about toys, fought about parking lots. Ugh.

Got home too late to make dinner. Ugh.

Cried about it.

Eric bought dinner. Wiped my tears and life got better. I hope that's the end of the Ughs.

Engrossed in Strange/Norell. Can't put it down, but it's a slow read.

Graduation was...

loverly. Thankfully it sounds like most of the kids in Em's class will be attending her teacher's summer program. Seven of the twelve. I dropped KIT notes in everyone's cubby to encourage everyone to do so. I hope they do.

Most of them. ;o)

Anyhow here's the sweetie--better film pictures coming later

I am engrossed in a book right now and it's preventing other projects. Jonathon Strange and Dr. Norrell.

Read it.

What did you today?

I sewed one dozen cloth socks and stuffed them with aquarium gravel an ounce at a time.

I volunteered to make bean bags for Em's class for tomorrow. I put it off until tonight. The bottom seams are ugly, but I assumed their parents would rather I made them ugly and strong rather than pretty and iffy. Who wants several ounces of aquarium gravel spilling onto their floors.

Not me.

I'm also going to make little "keep in touch" cards to pass out tomorrow. There are only 11 other children and 10 parents in the class and it seems like the right thing to know. Just to extend a little "We'd love to hear from you/have a play date over the summer" thing.

I have to make a pan of rice krispie treats tomorrow, pick up an appitizeresque thingie and get Em's hair trimmed up. I want to be done by the time I drop her off at 12:30 so I can come home and collect myself. Urgh.

I also have to remember the paperwork and the cheak for the summer program with her teacher.

Am really looking forward to the craziness stopping for a while.

I should...

bring in my camera and update the other blogs here, but I'm not.

I should be finishing my layout, sewing 1 dozen beanbags, making summer dresses and nightgowns, cleaning or even reading, but I'm not.

I feel OUT OF CONTROL this week. TGIW.

I worked at the last time at preschool today. I'm feeling very meloncholoy about Emily moving on. When I enrolled her in preschool in the SUmmer of 2003, the end of it all seemed so very far away. It turns out, it's just a blink of the eye. My baby starts Kindy in a few short months and it begins, what I fear, is her evolvement away from this sweet little being and moving on to something else.

I wonder when her hands will turn slender, when her little speech impedements will clear up (clown/crown sound the same, faht, etc). I wonder when her face won't be so young and when she'll take on that gangly look of a child who has left behind her childishness and isn't quote to teenishness.

And it makes me so damn sad. Always. I wish we could bottle child essence and on our sad days, could open them up and have that rush of feeling-what it felt like to snuggle your baby, what it smelled like to kiss a little head fresh from a johnson's shampoo, what it looked like when your little one held their teddy in the crook of their elbow (which is fading now and which I am desperate to get a picture of to the point of coaching--"Please put N-N there."). They way they chriped your name and pursed their lips as they sang.

Oy. Lots of melonchology, eh?

As Emily grows, I get afraid. I worry if I will be able to parent a six year old. I don't know how yet. And I worrya bout the day she goes away and stops being my child and starts being someone to someone else. If five years have passed so quickly, how quickly will the next 20 go?

I love parenting small children. I adore small children. I'd give any amount of money to have Emily age half time. Forever. It would be unfair to her, but I could live with that.

September 2003

June 2004

September 2004

May 2005

Back from our road trip...

It was enjoyable, albeit tiring, as all three of us were sick for it. I think we're all on the mend now, which is good as we have a busy week

Tuesday-Eric has a morning meeting, Jamie works, Emily has swim class
Wednesday-Jamie is snack mom at preschool, Jamie (and hopefully Eric) have classroom cleaning at the preschool
Thursday-Swim graduation
Friday-Preschool graduation
Saturday-Jamie works-Memorial Day Weekend

Yikes!

We'll get through it and things will simmer down and we'll settle into the idea that I am working.

I did some leg work today for our Disney Vacation. I think we may actually book through Disney this time.I've been wanting to stay at the resort and the cost fits into what I had planned to spend on the trip anyhow. We'll see. I think we should book the package. If we don't carve out the time we just won't make it happen. I WANT to make it happen.

I have been trying to focus on positive things that wouldn't have happened if the pregnancy I lost hadn't been lost. I know it's lame, but we're all entitled, aren't we? One of those things was being able to make a trip to Disney when we hadn't planned to. It's a small consolation, but it's something positive.

No knitting. No scrapping. No sewing.

Work....

or the schedule of it seems to be taking up a lot of my time. I know we're going to feel unbalanced with it for some time until we settle into a calm period of normalcy before the next upheaval(aka kindergarten).

Spent my day today working at the Big Library. It was okay. People are slowly realizing that training someone from the computer age is an entirely different process. I'm a "Quick Learner".

Yes, I am. :o) It's one of my better traits.

No scrapbooking for sewing plans for this weekend. We're heading out of town. That reminds me to pack baby sweater and the pattern for it. With 8 hours in the car, I may be able to finish it or mostly finish it by the time we get back home.

I've been reading lately. It feels good.

Emily was

sick today. Poor baby. She and I spent a large portion of the day on the couch. As usual she's ll drippy and congested and has an awful cough that makes us have to pull out the nebulizer to help her out some. Poor baby. A little touch of a fever too, that we're that we'll leaving alone for now. Her doctor suggested that constantly medicating her fever may be causing her illness to linger longer than they normally would, so for lower fevers (under 102) we're just letting her have them in hopes they help her health out some.

In good news, I managed to read a 400+ page book today as we sat together. After yesterday, I just wanted to be cocooned at home and was happy to just be here.

I am looking at my job with a new perspective. Maybe no better, just different. I called and said I couldn't go for training Monday. We actually HAD made plans for that Monday and I'm so wishy washy and afraid of disappointing people. In any case, I called and canceled and will do two days of training in June instead. That works better as putting off this trip is causing me great guilt

Secondarily, I'm focusing more on other benefits of the job. I've discovered that library land in Michigan is an entirely different world and ultimately I may not find my future in Michigan in public library. But if I can hold off for a year, i can finance a couple of the bigger purchases we're looking to make and that's a benefit in itself.

So, I'll try and tough it out and try to be more positive.

Disappointments and other things....

Work was disappointing.

Yes, I know it was my frist day. But, first impresions and all of that. I read a magazine. On homeschooling, oddly enough. The head librarian seemed to not offer many suggestions when I asked what on earth I was going to do when I work for eight hours this Friday.

Urgh.

I left tonight feeling sorely over qualified. I hope that improves. I just get the feeling it won't. They're under strict budget cuts so the creativity and ideas I was hoping to bring as well probably won't happen due to it.

FOUR people work at this library folks. Including me. FOUR.

F.

O

U

R.

Less than five and more than three.

My husbands fledgling company employs three. But that's really neither here nor there. The hope of making friends with similarly aged female co-workers are out too. All three have children my age.

I wonder if their children need a new friend.

I shouldn't be so negative. It's early. Eric says I need to give it six weeks and if I hate it, TRULY hate it, I can quit. I can hold on that long.

In other news, I made a discovery today.

Whenever I try clothes I go into the dressing room, forgetting that I'm a chubby chick (I'm being nice tonight). I don't FEEL fat. I feel energetic and good and when I get into a dressing room, I somehow think that the way I feel will be translated onto the way I look.

it doesn't (and I'm working on that) but dressing rooms get depressing. Oddly enough, I'm not as small as I think. And that smacks me in the face underneath the ugly lighting of most dressing rooms.

So, today, I headed into the dressing room with a few things. I tired them on. It was horrible. I felt depressed. However, I tired on one pair of pants and they looked like possible keeers, so I went back again.

I went back into the dressing room with two other tops and tried the first one on.

And then it hit me.

No wonderfully tailored blouse is going to make me a size 6 B cup. I probably never will be. But when I can do is find what looks good on me, how I am. And, so, armed with that knowledge, I bouht two blouses that looked nice and fit well and it was okay.

Emily

got blue acrylic paint on her dress at school today. Le sigh. Needless to say, at some point I will be spending my time figuring out how to remove that if i can. If not, I pull the dress apart, inch the waist up some and hope for the best.

Work doesn't continue on the layout I'm working on. I think I need printer ink. I'm envisioning something scripty for the second party of my title and I'm out of black ink. I COULD print it in blue, but blue is not what I have in mind.

It's a matter of taste, I suppose, and the fact that I really am working on getting back to what I think is MY style--not just the style I'm adopting.

I had a productive weekend....

Did you?

On Friday night, I knitted through the back of the baby gift. It's so beautiful. I love the drape of the Cotton Tots yarn and from personal experience, it holds up so nice to washing and wear. Emily's Haiku sweater and poncho (one year and half a year old respectivley) both gets lots of wear and lots of wash and they're fantasic. THe yarn blooms well with washing and is soft a durable. PERFECT for kids (and moms).

Anyhow, here's progress...

The color shows better on this picture than the last.

I also finished Emily's sun dress today. I promised one new sundress before the end of the weekend and finished it this afternoon. I am mostly pleased with it.

THe picture is bad. My one complaint is the bodice is very loose. It could lose an inch or two off of each side. I'm going to look at how to fix that in the next dress.

I also have a layout underway. Nothing to share. It's not done. I'm taking my time, contimplating it and adding as I see fit. The title is half done. I have one block left to finish. I'm fairly happy, thus far. Maybe tomorrow I'll have it done. No rush. It'll be done when it is.

I start work in two days. I'm semi-excited. Just semi. Change and all that.

I knitted

P.S. SOrry for the lack of pics. I can't get the camera to cooperate tonight. Check tomorrow for them

I started this last night but somehow in 10 rows of ribbing, managed to get an extra stitch. I ripped a couple of rows, counted, ripped again and recounted and the extra stitch was still there. I'm not sure where it picked up, but I had to rip all the way back to make it work.

AKA--starting over.

I'm about three to four inches into the body knitting now. It's going quick.

In other crafty news, I laid out and cut out the pattern for Em's first summer dress yesterday.

Yes, that is the matieral included with one of the Self Addressed kits. I was overjoyed to find a bolt of it. I don't know that I'll use it in my scrapbooks, but I think it will make a lovely dress. Perhaps with a ribbon sash? In white?

I also spent some time thinking about scrapbooking today. I'm going to spend some time rethinking how i create layouts. Spend more time creating them as mine. Allowing MY eye to take over and my ideas to speak. Too much time scraplifting. I don't think there's one problem with scraplifting. I do it often. With happy results. I am just rethinking my processes right now. We'll see what comes out of it.

I thought about knititng last night....

and I thought about reading Emma too, but Emma put me to sleep and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to knit on so I did neither.

Typical, eh?

I'm always typical. It's a skill.

Filled out paperwork for job today. Buyers remorse INCREASING. Had to have huge conversation with ERic begging him to talk me back onto the chuck wagon.

This all is about change, you know. I HATE change. Even GOOD change. I get all freaked out and want to hermit up. THe bad news for me is that one cannot hermit while working. They don't go together.

Eric and I had a long discussion tonight about "The Way Things Were Going Around Here". Changes need to be made. We came up with a Course of Action and a little to-do list and we'll see what happens.

I hope it works out.

Today? Muy better.

No stress. No yelling. Hooray!

I also got a phone call today offering me the job at the library. I'm happy and disappointed which is typical of me when dealing with change. I actually rather dislike it. I'll hate the new job for a month or so. Then I'll hopefully like it.

If not, I have the incredible luxury of quitting with no qualms.

I'm also worried as said library seems desperate. Seriously. Can you start Thursday (as in the day after tomorrow)?. Frankly? No. Our week is set. Sorry. It makes me wonder how difficult it's going to be to get a day off when I need it/want it. What about vacation.

As I was musing over Mother's Day (thanks for your comments, Colleen) on Sunday, I was flipping through a Crate and Barrel catalog and I found something that made me happy to look at, that i thought was beautiful and was extremely functional.

The bad news is, I found two that are darn near the same...

I like the shape of these the best....

And the color of these.

I'm leaning towards the first set as they are ceramic.

From the "What Lessons Do You Teach" file

Emily loves dollies. They are her favorite thing. She's a mostly good mother (except when she's thumping them on the floor for something). A few months ago she bought a set of porcelain dolls with her saved allowance. Twins. Becca and Blake. Most people find them "creepy". Emily thinks they're lovely.

Regardless of what you think of their appearance, they are fragile. Emily wants to take them everywhere. We've declined. The past few weeks, we've rescinded a bit, reminding her every time she chooses to take them, that she runs the risks of breaking them. She's well aware of the risk as Becca and Blake are her second and third porcelain dolls. Her first, "pretty dollies" is legless. She broke.

I have fixed this dollie numerous times. She won't stay. She's currently missing her left leg. It's in a bowl in the ice box. It's in too many fragments to fix and I just don't know what to do with her. I told Emily I wouldn't fix Becca because it was pointless.

Today, Emily came in from outside wailing. Becca had fallen onto the cement and broke. Her left leg (oddly enough) lay in shatters outside. Emily said tearfully that she knew Becca would have to go in the trash.

Sigh.

I have super glue on the tips of my fingers. I don't polish my nails and have no nail polish remover to soak in. I'm hoping it wears of quickly and that Becca's leg will have healed for good--minus a couple of holes which created shards too small to piece together.

I said I wouldn't fix her. I said that she'd have to be thrown away, but I couldn't. It wasn't time for consistency.

Should I be inferring something from this?

As mentioned, yesterday was miserable. In a last ditch effort to Save Mother's Day, Eric took us out for ice cream with a promise of dinner late. We ended up having hamburgers and hot dogs at my parents house, which was okay. We decided we'd go out to dinner tonight.

I decided that was a good idea. Maybe today would find yesterday's bad funk would be washed off.

Not so. 6:45. No one has got up to suggest dinner. I get fussy. Suggest dinner and then start feeling bad as I feel like I shouldn't be the one who has to remember. Deal with mess at site we own. Find it numbingly tiring. Fight with Emily about the fact that I would rather she not wear shorts with knee socks out to dinner (as I guess I was hoping to go someplace other than our usual haunts). Feel pissy because we spend our lives here being pissy.

Eric convinces Emily to put on pants. We leave. I'm sad. Too much fighting. I feel mute. Eric and Emily fight in the car. Announce I would rather go home. ERic suggests dinner at the place where we eat breakfast about two SUndays a month. He hates their dinners. I feel like he has chosen it just to pick a place to shove me. That's not true, I'm sure, but it felt that way. I decline and suggest we go home. He suggests the CHinese Buffet.

1) I dislike untried Chinese buffets as CHinese is a food you can do very, very bad.
2) We got news today that Emily's peanut allergy is severe and I don't feel strong enough to deal with that at a new place yet. Particularly someplace (Lord help me for saying this) where their English may not be good. I don't know anything about this restuarant. Several in the area are staffed by Asian people and at times their mastery of the language is iffy.
3) I feel guilty about saying I didnt care where we went and then coming up with a reason not to eat at the place suggested, which I apparently tend to do.

I beg Eric to just take us home.

And so, as I sit here. At home, dinnerless (I was going to make dinner and decided not to. I can stand to miss a meal. Emily is happy with boxed mac and cheese).

And I wonder if my mother's day somehow doesn't relate to how I am as a mother. Is this cosmic mother karma coming back to spank me? Did my family fight for two days straight because I'm so flighty and moody? Did I feel cast off because I make others feel that way? AM I spending too much time projecting things that are important to me onto to Eric and then being upset when he doesn't reciprocate in the manner I would?

I'm skipping mother's day next year.

Mother's Day....

...is over. Thank gawd. Perhaps the worst on record.

Woke up nice and slow this morning. Emily announced, "Jack peed on the carpet" as she handed me my frosted flakes.

Indeed.

And thus set the tone for my day. Argued with Emily and Eric both. Moped. Cleaned the kitchen and hte living room including mopping.

No fun.

Presented my mom with a lovely purple plum tree (purple is her favorite color). SHe loves it.

Emily presented me with a lovely collection of goodies, including a bracelet made from Click-Its, two hair ties, a small steno pad and two handwritten notes that apparently say Happy Mother's Day. Eric also presented me with a lovely card. Emily too. Picked out by Eric.

But I'm still glad it's over. Hooray for Monday.

As usual...

I am behind. I just finished my mother's day gifts. Sadly, no mail runs tomorrow so they'll be late. I stil have four cards to make too. Overall, this process was okay. I grew tired of it at the end. I know it'll look lovely with the pictures, poetry and art inside of it.

All the papers are chatterbox and, oddly enough, I like the browns and blues I used from this month's Self Addressed kit the best.

In other news, my baby sis went to prom tonight. HEr first. She's seventeen and she's so lovely.

I did no actual scrapbooking on National Scrapbook Day. Oh the Irony.

In other news, my Mom collected her films this week from some of her doctors as she prepares for her trip to U of M and their Melonma center. She pulled out the film tonight that showed her tumor. It was huge. So big and ugly and black. Covering up her entire lower back. You see her spine fade into it and her hip bones rise up above and that's it. It blots out everything.

It was horrible. I'm sorry I saw it and I'm so thankful that it's gone, for the most part and hopefully forever.

A new day dawns...

And I still feel semi-crappy about yesterday. But I bought a tiffany blue shirt today to wear under my suit and some cute little earrings to match it and I feel a little better..0.

Also, I went to the Mother's Day Brunch with my sweetheart today and she so excited and proud to have me there that I got all teary eyed. I got beautiful gifts that came straight from her heart and she even fed me fruit salad.

And it makes me feel so warn and happy that I could squish her.

However, that doesn't mean I can overlook yesterday's revelations and I shan't. THis weekend will be difficult with dinner at my parents and mother's day, but I bought a new cookbook at the store last night and we will be making things work.

In other news, my mother's day gifts aren't done. Eric and I will have to call with apologies as I finish up. They're lovely and I know they'll be appreciated once they get there. My mother is getting a tree. It feels symbolic, considering her past year. Or at least it does to me. The symbolism of trees. Being sheltered under their branches and the sweet idea of permanence. I feel more confident about Mom's cancer now. If nothing else, I feel blessed that we've had these months since her surgery. I'm thankful she feels well enough to have Emily be with her so they can create their moments.

But I like the idea of a beautiful tree. Growing along. Forever. I just like it.

Interview went okay. COmpetition stiff. Time will tell.

Eye Opening....

I went shopping today for some things to wear on my interview. I stopped at a local store, picked out a couple of things I liked and marched into the dressing room. I tired on four outfits, each just as bad as the last and it hit.

I am offically fat.

Please don't placate me. I actually am. I estimate that I have gained 60 pounds since I married ERic and I was NOT thin then. It was so depressing and embarassing to realize that whatever I put on, that I would like a big boobed pear with legs.

To top it off, I swear my lower abdomen is even more pouchy since my surgery too. I think. Or maybe *I* am just pouchy.

I feel pretty shitty about it. I just really do.

So, my exciting day of shopping ended with me decideing to wear the black suit that's hanging in my closet. I'll dress it up with an updated blouse. I don't feel like such a pear in it. At least I didnt' until today.

So, Jamie, you may ask, what exactly are you going to do about this? I mean, you bitch and moan and start diets, but what exaclty are you going to do? In all honesty, I don't know. The addage is, fat people know more about diets than anyone because they've been on them all. My husband is diabetic, so lower carb is better for him and he had great success on it. And, in all honesty, I don't mind eating that way either.

So why don't I?

I don't know. You tell me. I feel like I know better than so many people what I need to do, but cannot seem to make myself do it. Wish I could figure out that part.

So, tonight I picke dup some strawberries to have with breakfast (good and low carb) and picked up a cookbook with 1001 low carb recipes in it and I'm going to go forward and hope for the best.

I would really love to lose about 30 pounds before becoming pregnant. It would put me at my pre-pregnancy weight with Emily....

About that camera thing....

Maybe next week would be better because the week of camera carrying ain't happening at all this week.

Work continues on Mother's Day products. They'll be late. I'm sure. I have 1.5 to finish, four dragonfly magnets to put together, not to mention drawings, copies of pictures, ink for printer, etc.

Better late than never, right. Thought that counts?

Riiiiight.

My project list is huge right now. I'm feeling twitchy about finishing everything. In good news, I DID repair my sueet little purse today. I shoved in my new wallet (lime green and blue to match it) and went on my merry way.

So, what projects do I have

1) Mothers Day gifts and cards and dragonflies (top priority)
2) Bean bags for entire class (12)
3) Summer dresses for Kid
4) SHall I make it the puppy puppets?
5) Baby gift for friend
6) Nightgown for mom's house (requested by Mom, seconed by Emily)

And I'd like to read a book sometime. Anytime.

But that's probably another time management thing.

From the "Another thing to make me have less time" files, I have an interview on Friday for a library position. I'm perfect for it and I hope they see that too. Not too many hours (just 14) which is ideal for me with a reasonable schedule (with hopefully a little play depending on the hire date because of swim graduation). I love having the schedule in advance, though, so we can plan our summer and I would only be working one day during the day which makes me available for everything.

Which is what I love.

Carrying My Camera-Day 2

And I have no pictures because I didn't carry the damn camera. Maybe I should make this a two week project so I can eek out seven days. I DID take my camera to swim lessons, but left it in the car in my haste to get Emily inside.

I am in the process of printing out the part of the pattern I need to fix my purse. I hate being without it. I had to borrow Emily's darn purse tonight to take to an outing. It'll be all of a five minute fix (well, probably 30 minutes) so I should just get to it so I can move on.

Which is always my biggest problem.

I have also decided that I need to work at my time management better. I'm surprisingly poor at it. I don't understand how, as an adult, that I have no concept of how long things take OR how long a certain amount of time is. For instance, I decided to sit down for fifteen minutes to make up a couple of to do lists--thirty minutes later, I have to delegate another 15 minutes to do list doing, because I over blew my allotted time. I've tried strict schedules--they don't work.

I've tried not strict schedules. They don't work.

I never have any time to get anything done and yet, I'm obviously doing something.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't keep a "time" journal, like some people keep food journals (and maybe I should keep one of those too--but that's a different gripe) and write down where I spend all of my time over the course of a few days or a week so I can go back and find out where to pare down.

I want to get certain things into my day--exercise, house cleaning, crafts, reading, time for Eric and for Emily and somehow manage to feel like I don't do any of it and that i spend all of my time running around like that proverbial chicken--headless. And frantic about it.

Carrying My Camera-Day 1

Not sure how many pictures I took today. A good amount. Thirty or so. Of just whatever.

I took some fun action shots of EMily jumping on her bed this afternoon. I put it in sport mode and held the button down. I also took a couple as she lay in bed talking to me. She's just sweet....

I'm not much into altering my photos with photoshop, but I may clone out the part of her pillowcase and turn this into black and white. It's actually very lovely.

And, we were crafty today. Emily and I made this for her bedroom:

and I made this for someone for Mother's Day

I need to get three of these done by Weds. so I have time to overnight them to their intended recipients in time. Oh, and I should make threeish cards too. To go with them. We had thought about going to OH this weekend, but I'm not sure. I'm torn on what to do. Half of me would like to go, half of me would like to stay. We could reasonably go next weekend too. I just need to decide what I want to do. Which is always the crux of the matter. I can never decide.

It's been a lazy Sunday...

We did a little house cleaning and lazed around a lot. I'm feeling under the weather. AF has arrived and brought with her some worrisome cramps. This is the first AF since the pregnancy ended and I've been anticipating it, but it hurts like crazy.

Apparently normal. Hope it's over soon.

I scrapbooked a little bit today. I finished a page for Emily's year 6 album as well as this page for my AAM (all about me) album and the title page for a new album I'm starting up as well.

In the layout, I realized I messed up the name of the flowers, as I am prone to do. However, as I journaled, I realized the title was perfect. They ARE Forget Me Nots. At least for me. Everytime I see an orange touch me not flower I think of Pap-o and feel a little teary eyed about him. So, Forget Me Not is actually perfect.

Word of the Day from Wordsmith
palter (PAWL-tuhr) verb intr.

1. To talk or act in an insincere or deceitful manner.

2. To haggle.

That seems like a good one, doesn't it?